Burrrrrnnn

BOkay so the chicken soup thing was a pretty good idea until my rents got completely sick of watching me eat it. Then they tried to shove some fatty poison down my throat but I have worked hard despite that to lose around 4.5 pounds this week. It's not as much as I shld have lost but atleast its not a gain. This is probably going to come off completely innapropriate to some people but has your eating problems ever made it hard to be with a guy? I HATE when my boyfriend puts his hands on my stomach, because I know that he is just feeling all of my nasty fat. And bjs are my worst enemy since I discovered that jiz is about 21 calories a pop. Idk its just I know boyfriends are supposed to put their hands all over you, but everytime he does I feel like he is feeling all of my fat and taking note of it. I want to be the skinny girlfriend he wants.
   Ever since I saw it on another blog I though it would be a really great idea to have a "burn book" of foods, because when I saw it I literally was not hungry all day. I think each day or every other day I am going to post on a food; probably one that is tempting me starting tomorrow. ur welcome to join and add if you want. :)

Lets Just Do It (Thinspo)

I, _________, pledge to be completely faithful to _______from here on out in whatever way should work best to complete my goal weight of_____lbs.

Today I want empty promises to end and determination to begin. We all just want to be able to look in the mirrors and see someone either we like or we think other people might like. I am tired of hearing both from myself and others about how we blew it once again and failed ourselves. Lets just stop this and actually do it. The only obstacle in the way to perfection is a lack of will and strength. Regardless of who we are and where we come from we all want perfection, which is why I say lets just do it for once  So:

I, ItLiesHeavy, pledge to be completely faithful to ana from here on out in whatever way should work best to complete my goal weight of 80-85 pounds (for now)

For anyone who wants to take this pledge at some time or another when they come across it, your new beginning starts now. For once I want to follow through.

Heres some thinspo to start out:

                                                      This one is my favorite. This is exactly what I
                                                    want to look like. Maybe even smaller.

Chicken Soup

"An imperfect body reflects an imperfect soul"

Nah I am not even going to talk about the texts. It just kinda pissed me off beyond the ability to explain, so I will get to it later If I can wrap my head around it. For today I am just being a lazy fat ass. I've been watching a marathon of Made all morning on MTV and I figure if it is possible for everyone else to change their lives why can't I? Soo I curled myself up under the covers to actually get some feeling out of my numb fingers and got to writing about what I could do.
   The biggest problem I see in myself and in alot of other blogs like mine is that people go on talking about how they will commit, then they don't, then they complain for a bit until they restart the cycle. I can't keep letting this happen and I think for me alot of it is a lack of structure. By just saying that I need to stay under 400 calories a day at the most, I have way too much freedom to fuck up. So I decided that I need to find something foolproof that I can have as much as I want of, which is how I decided on chicken soup. Its an effintastic 15 calories a cup and I can actually feel full on it. Of course I will try to eat as little as possible, but 200 cals allows 13 meals a day at the most should I need it. If you want to try this too I'd love for you to join me, unfortunately the only thing that is going to work is JUST the broth from homemade chicken soup (there cant be any noodles, rice, or actual chicken pieces). I plan on trying to stay on my chicken soup BROTH diet for atleast a few days to lose a couple quick pounds. Also, it has about 60% protein so I can try and keep as much muscle as possible, which will actually help during exercise to burn more fat.
   Time to go to work! Because I am such a bored loser today I might even write more later. Who Knows?
Much love until then...
<3ItLiesHeavy

Fresh Start Anyone?

      True to my goal, I lost half a pound yesterday, which is pretty good considering that I did not have high hopes after my candy binge. A high calorie day is supposed to raise a metabolism, so lets see how I do after fasting today. Only Green tea, gum, and maalox for me today. I don't know if it works for anyone else but antiacids get rid of hunger feelings for quite a while by coating the stomach. I save it for emergencies though, because I am scared that it is full of calories, even though they don't list anything about it.
      Lately I have just been on a whole self-pity rant and its time to stop that. Maybe if I did my work, actually paid some attention to my boyfriend, and got up off of my ass I wouldn't even have time to think about eating. Sitting around all day just makes me hungrier, which is why I can't wait to actually get back to school. Atleast then I could go without eating until atleast 5:30 at night, which left a 2 hour window I could handle.                                                                                                                                                                 
      Okay enough of that, so last night I got the wierdest text from someone I havn't talked to in a very long time. I briefly saw it last night when I woke up and I am scared to go see if it was actually real. I though he hated me? .....Oh yeah it's real, I just checked. WTF! And now he is putting little smiley faces and all sorts of nice crap like that. And we are having a conversation. I can tell this day is going to be wierd. Alright, just to fill you in, even though it sounds completely preschoolish. My best friends brother and I got to be friends. He was one of the nicest people I ever met and I really liked him for that, but I just didn't want to date him. I don't really know what happened, but I got a boyfriend and he just got pissed after that. Wow, I have no fucking clue what went on at all.
       I'll post more later, because this is the wierdest thing ever.
<3 It Lies Heavy

Comeback Rant

"Because the mirror hurts worse than starving"

I would like to have a good excuse for dropping off of the face of the earth, but I don't really, other than a virus completely  crashed my windows into oblivion. Literally my computer would start up and just when I was getting hopeful that restarting it for the billionth time would have an effect, it would turn black. I can honestly say it sucked.                                                            Not much has changed during the time in between anyway. I mostly just battled between whether I wanted to continue this way or change. I tried. I really did. I watched all those videos and read all of the info on how eating disorders kill and cost loved ones alot, but I just can't do it. I can't stop seeing a fat girl, or even feeling like one. I've never had a good self-perception. I remember being a little girl and just telling myself how great I was supposed to be and how I had ruined it for myself. I was going to be the beautiful one with all of the friends and good grades. I was going to make myself successful. All I wanted was for people to love me.      
I apologize for the whining, but I realize more and more that this is something that has always been with me. I have always been hard on myself and wanted to be perfect and I always told myself I needed to be better. When it really came out was when I started growing up and became closer and closer to my deadline for what I had wanted to mold my image into. Now I am 16, at my "deadline" and I feel so ashamed at what a failure I am. The thing that most people don't understand is that it is usually not just about food. I have to try to control everything. Every day I see fat, but I also see a lazy, stupid, slob who needs to work alot harder and be more grateful. I can't help the way my brain is wired. It's not something I can stop.
      Today was a failure. I ate way too much, most of it in carbs, but I needed something I think because I feel like crap. At work my vision constantly slid sideways and I have had a pounding headache all day. Not the worst I have felt, but I need to stay on task no matter how I feel and stop failing
I am going to better though and be perfect. My goal in writing this blog is that I will be 85 pounds in two months. Its ironic how much of a contradiction ana is. I feel almost like it's my dirty secret or indulgence. It makes me feel better, but at the same time I am also a failure if my family ends up having to take care of me.
I don't know why I feel like being thin will stop the pain or the constant whisperings of not being good enough to live. It doesn't make sense, but I have to atleast try.
<3 It LIES Heavy

How Not to Be Hungry?.....

" I want to be the smallest I can possibly be. When I see bone, that's the day I will finally be free."

Oh god, AP is kicking my ass...again. Today's post will not be interesting simply because I did nothing interesting. From 9 in the morning until now I have been analyzing the changing definitions of American freedom over time. Why can't they just make up their damn mind? Yeah I am not going to bore you any further, but my anxiety over getting this shiot done has led to some insane munching today. Seriously, I would be freaking out going "What the hell does that mean?" and the next thing I knew the food was in my mouth. And every time I would think of how fat I was going to get, how much of a failure I was.

But did that stop me?
                     NOPE.
I just kept eating. I don't think I ate over 1000, but for the first time I really don't want to know. I never eat like this. I should have chewed some gum or downed green tea. I ruined my diet.

But enough feeling sorry for myself. I am just going to have to do better... ugh probably after tomorrow. It's my boyfriends 19th birthday tomorrow. First he is going to Hooters and then I am making him dinner. I kind of have a stategy though. I looked up the menu online and if I have half of a chicken club sandwhich it will be only about 210 calories (less if I pull all of the extras off). Dinner is going to be a problem though. The dinner I am making includes penne alla vodka and cheesy bread....gggaaagggg. That will probably take up three days worth of calories for one meal. I am making cucumber salad with it so I will probably just eat most of that and a few bites of other stuff.
       This is killing me, I just need to be thin. At 102.4 I am only down .6 of a pound from yesterday. Everytime I think about my fat I want to cry. I looked at a picture of myself in a bathing suit on Facebook and I think my brain exploded. It was so disgusting, how could I ever let myself look like that? How could I ever eat like that? Now when my mom buys cheezits or other fatty crap I just want to smack her. I remember the days when I would have worshipped her like a God for buying some articial orange Cheese Shitz. Now I just get so pissed, is she trying to ruin me? If I had it my way I would throw everything out of the house and lock myself inside for two weeks. Just to get it done. I can't help but feel disgusted. "Of course my dad would eat that nasty sundae. Of course my mom would buy those stupid croissant things". But the sad part is I am probably no better. Atleast they commit to eating like pigs. Look at me half assing it. I eat great for two weeks and ruin it in two days. BARF
     Ha! I wish I could. Just as I start eating like a pig I lose the ability to chuck it. I try and try, but I can't get it up. I never liked purging anyway. So I am resolved to exercise it off. Here is an an exercise I found on a forum. It is a nice punishment after breaking the rules. If it doesn't burn calories it will definitely give you abs and erase the bingo wings. Here it goes:

1.) How many calories did you eat today?
         Do that many jumping jacks

2.) How old are you?
           Do three times that number of tricep dips

3.) What's your highest weight?
          Do that many situps

4.) Whats your ultimate goal weight?
          Do that many leg lifts

This workout killed me. You have to be pretty skilled to get through all of it non stop. Also completely erased my hunger. Sit ups, in my experience, are one of the best exercises to do when you are hungry. I actually ended up with a stomach ache and was completely repulsed by the idea of food all night :)

Day 2: <500
Yeah I am too ashamed to post how much I ate today. It still puts me at losing range, but its too much. I would feel too disgusted watching the numbers rack up. Maybe tomorrow.

For now. Stay Strong and know that you can train yourself not to feel hunger. When I eat now I can only eat maybe 5 or 6 bites at a time. I still have an appetite, but I am working on that.
<3 It LIES Heavy

Introduction

"I want to have control. I want a perfect body. I want a perfect soul"

Most people can't understand. 

                                             And so they criticize. 

                                                                            And so they hate. 

That's not what this blog is about. I am writing this blog not only for myself, but maybe for another Ana who feels lost in a battle for perfection. I lust for thin. I beg for perfection. I scream for control. 

                              

                I am Pro Ana. I embrace it.

This is my story and my journey, hopefully towards perfection. I struggle everyday for the high of a lower number. a lighter soul. 

As most Anas would tell you, it is a love/hate relationship. I am both a floating feather and a sinking rock. I can't handle the slide of food down my throat like poison, yet my stomach longs for its comforting caress.

BAD
        BAD
                BAD!

my mind screams. It is a life of contradiction. I know it is wrong and dangerous and sick. I don't care. I have always put others before myself and now I will do the same thing to say this. I have an eating disorder. If you don't then you don't want one. I want mine, because I have it. As a fair warning it is not something you want to get yourself into. If you aren't Pro Ana please leave and never look back. Love your body, because I will never be able to love mine.

I don't live my life with disclaimers, so from here on out when I tell about my journey I won't be writing them.

     For all my lovely Anas welcome to my world.We are all in this together so

                                              <3 STAY STRONG <3

Day 1<500
B: 1/2 slice toast w/ minimal butter (37.5)
     1/4 cup yogurt (25)
     1 cup green tea (0)

S1: 1/5 cucumber (11.5)

L:1/4 cup tuna fish (60)
    2 cups lettuce (15)                          <----- This makes such a filling meal for 75 cal!
    1 tbsp white rice vinegar (0)

 S2 : 1/4 cup yogurt (25)

D: 1/2 bagel w/ whipped cream cheese and lox (round up to 300 to be sure)

Total: 449 calories