Oh god, AP is kicking my ass...again. Today's post will not be interesting simply because I did nothing interesting. From 9 in the morning until now I have been analyzing the changing definitions of American freedom over time. Why can't they just make up their damn mind? Yeah I am not going to bore you any further, but my anxiety over getting this shiot done has led to some insane munching today. Seriously, I would be freaking out going "What the hell does that mean?" and the next thing I knew the food was in my mouth. And every time I would think of how fat I was going to get, how much of a failure I was.
But did that stop me?
NOPE.
I just kept eating. I don't think I ate over 1000, but for the first time I really don't want to know. I never eat like this. I should have chewed some gum or downed green tea. I ruined my diet.
But enough feeling sorry for myself. I am just going to have to do better... ugh probably after tomorrow. It's my boyfriends 19th birthday tomorrow. First he is going to Hooters and then I am making him dinner. I kind of have a stategy though. I looked up the menu online and if I have half of a chicken club sandwhich it will be only about 210 calories (less if I pull all of the extras off). Dinner is going to be a problem though. The dinner I am making includes penne alla vodka and cheesy bread....gggaaagggg. That will probably take up three days worth of calories for one meal. I am making cucumber salad with it so I will probably just eat most of that and a few bites of other stuff.
This is killing me, I just need to be thin. At 102.4 I am only down .6 of a pound from yesterday. Everytime I think about my fat I want to cry. I looked at a picture of myself in a bathing suit on Facebook and I think my brain exploded. It was so disgusting, how could I ever let myself look like that? How could I ever eat like that? Now when my mom buys cheezits or other fatty crap I just want to smack her. I remember the days when I would have worshipped her like a God for buying some articial orange Cheese Shitz. Now I just get so pissed, is she trying to ruin me? If I had it my way I would throw everything out of the house and lock myself inside for two weeks. Just to get it done. I can't help but feel disgusted. "Of course my dad would eat that nasty sundae. Of course my mom would buy those stupid croissant things". But the sad part is I am probably no better. Atleast they commit to eating like pigs. Look at me half assing it. I eat great for two weeks and ruin it in two days. BARF
Ha! I wish I could. Just as I start eating like a pig I lose the ability to chuck it. I try and try, but I can't get it up. I never liked purging anyway. So I am resolved to exercise it off. Here is an an exercise I found on a forum. It is a nice punishment after breaking the rules. If it doesn't burn calories it will definitely give you abs and erase the bingo wings. Here it goes:
1.) How many calories did you eat today?
Do that many jumping jacks
2.) How old are you?
Do three times that number of tricep dips
3.) What's your highest weight?
Do that many situps
4.) Whats your ultimate goal weight?
Do that many leg lifts
This workout killed me. You have to be pretty skilled to get through all of it non stop. Also completely erased my hunger. Sit ups, in my experience, are one of the best exercises to do when you are hungry. I actually ended up with a stomach ache and was completely repulsed by the idea of food all night :)
Day 2: <500
Yeah I am too ashamed to post how much I ate today. It still puts me at losing range, but its too much. I would feel too disgusted watching the numbers rack up. Maybe tomorrow.
For now. Stay Strong and know that you can train yourself not to feel hunger. When I eat now I can only eat maybe 5 or 6 bites at a time. I still have an appetite, but I am working on that.
<3 It LIES Heavy
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