Comeback Rant

"Because the mirror hurts worse than starving"

I would like to have a good excuse for dropping off of the face of the earth, but I don't really, other than a virus completely  crashed my windows into oblivion. Literally my computer would start up and just when I was getting hopeful that restarting it for the billionth time would have an effect, it would turn black. I can honestly say it sucked.                                                            Not much has changed during the time in between anyway. I mostly just battled between whether I wanted to continue this way or change. I tried. I really did. I watched all those videos and read all of the info on how eating disorders kill and cost loved ones alot, but I just can't do it. I can't stop seeing a fat girl, or even feeling like one. I've never had a good self-perception. I remember being a little girl and just telling myself how great I was supposed to be and how I had ruined it for myself. I was going to be the beautiful one with all of the friends and good grades. I was going to make myself successful. All I wanted was for people to love me.      
I apologize for the whining, but I realize more and more that this is something that has always been with me. I have always been hard on myself and wanted to be perfect and I always told myself I needed to be better. When it really came out was when I started growing up and became closer and closer to my deadline for what I had wanted to mold my image into. Now I am 16, at my "deadline" and I feel so ashamed at what a failure I am. The thing that most people don't understand is that it is usually not just about food. I have to try to control everything. Every day I see fat, but I also see a lazy, stupid, slob who needs to work alot harder and be more grateful. I can't help the way my brain is wired. It's not something I can stop.
      Today was a failure. I ate way too much, most of it in carbs, but I needed something I think because I feel like crap. At work my vision constantly slid sideways and I have had a pounding headache all day. Not the worst I have felt, but I need to stay on task no matter how I feel and stop failing
I am going to better though and be perfect. My goal in writing this blog is that I will be 85 pounds in two months. Its ironic how much of a contradiction ana is. I feel almost like it's my dirty secret or indulgence. It makes me feel better, but at the same time I am also a failure if my family ends up having to take care of me.
I don't know why I feel like being thin will stop the pain or the constant whisperings of not being good enough to live. It doesn't make sense, but I have to atleast try.
<3 It LIES Heavy