Don't Let Them See You Cry.

"You are what you eat."

I can see my ribs now so I must be doing something right. I can count clearly about 5 or 6 of them now, but thats not enough. For one second I felt calm when I saw them in the mirror. The steady hum of anxiety that pounds my heart and tightens my chest broke for a momentary rest and it was euphoric, that's all I can say. But then I looked down and saw the fat on my stomach and the size of my ass and I lost it. I can honestly say I've never been able to purge on command without some effort, but it was easy. I don't even think I intended to, it just involuntarily happened. Holy shit though, I had half of a vegan taco for dinner (rent mandated) and that mother fucker hurt on the way up. I hate that because once you start it doesn't stop until your stomach is empty and all you can do is close your eyes and know it will be better when its done. Okay enough with gross crap.

I still don't know what to do about my ex. There's a guy now and I like him better I think. He has interests other than skating and tv and he knows how to hold a conversation. When he can tell something is wrong he actually gives a shit. But I'm not ready for anything right now.

So I'm down another pound today, which I'm sure is partly from having an empty stomach but as long as the numbers keep going down I don't really care how it gets done. And its been hard too because my mom has been determined to hover around the place, which obviously means I have to attempt to look like I am eating something. Fine, I would get it if she wanted to be the caring mother, but she just wants to hover to bitch at me. This isn't about revenge but someday she's going to figure out how much she messed me up and it will go something like this:
Mom: "Well I just don't see how your life is that bad that you need to feel that way."
Me: Absolutely nothing
Mom: "You just think too negatively. Maybe if you were a little more positive about things you wouldn't have so many problems."
Me (Finally flipping shit): "You know why I am this way. Because you were told by my goddam therapist that I have severe depression, anxiety disorder (no way was I also going to mention my ED) and when she told you I needed the medicine to feel better you took me out of there so fast and said the same exact thing. Then when you would see me sitting there and something was clearly wrong you would just tell me about what a miserable person I was and how I'm a loser. Thanks mom. I fucking love you too."

Haaa. Sorry for my swearing I am just so pissed off today. As far as restricting today was highly succesful, but everything has been setting me off. I am so raw even just sharp noises make me want to scream. I guess I know that comes with starving yourself,but I definitely feel like I'm at odds with the world today. Everyone, not just me seems ready to snap. I am trying too, but everytime I hear her shout about something stupid like towels or a crumb and call me useless I get closer to snapping. I am genrally a pretty passive person so the thoughts that ran throught my head today scared me a little. I think I am just tired of waiting for her to act like a mother and ask whats wrong. I probably would lie to her (I do regret that), but atleast I would know that she cared about me.

So in between writing this and doing a research paper I slacked off and came across a random website with weight statistics. Over 1.6 billion people in the world are overweight or obese. Thats about 25% of the all of the people on earth! The media sensationalizes the shocking thinness of anorexics, and while I agree anorexia should be prevented I don't believe that a news expose or a commercial is going to fix it. I saw those same ads and was told how bad it was. I cockily jousted that I would never be stupid enough to have an eating disorder, but here I am. Ironic huh. Actually it is true that those very ads trigger me. When I see them I understand I might die or look gross, but none of that matters. I am obsessed to get a look at the girl who is potraying the anorexic and to compare myself to her. Sorry can't help it, so suck it up. Anyway, I am just saying that I am tired of hearing about how selfish it is to not eat food when children in Africa are starving. The real reason they are starving is because a quarter of the world is eating it all (And by this I mean no disrespect. Obesity in my opinion also stems from an eating disorder. I am just pointing out the hippocracy)

Thanks my darlings for having to deal with my rants and shallow frustrations. Much Love and Stay Strong
<3ItLiesHeavy

Don't let them see you cry.

When the dam breaks down,

 

And the city is covered in water

Cause I believe we fly



I trust that you see it too.

So breathe while you're alive

Im Back. For Good.

I don't know why I left again so soon. I think it was the guilt. To me it's embarrassing for my family to know that I am weak when I have always been relied on to be strong. I want to be thin, more than anything. It has gotten to the point where I now have no choice to stop. Every time I logged on I was caught between what I wanted and what others would think. I have always been the kind of person that seeks the approval of others and desperately wants to feel loved. But things have changed....

I no longer give a shit. I can't care about anything else. All I think about is fat and calories and pounds. And I like it.


I may not have posted these past few months but I didn't give up completely. I took to throwing up, which to me was a waste of time. It gave me enough comfort when it hurt to put food in my stomach, but ultimately it gets you nowhere. It is a fact too that even if someone throws up right away after they eat food, they still retain around 50% of the calories they ate. Alot of this is because calories start to be digested as soon as they reach the stomach. The same goes for laxatives, even though I like them for a quick slim down effect. Laxatives only eliminate 10% of any calories eaten, since most of what is flushed out is water. So basically, the only real way to lose weight is to just not eat the food in the first place.


Today was not a good day for me food wise, due to the being with friends. What normal person doesn't eat popcorn at a movie theater? I think my total is around 800, which is nasty for me. Especially after spending the weekend in a hotel that had no refrigerator with my family, which meant fast food was required. I choose the best foods on the menu but I still had to be atleast 1100. This is exactly when I feel the panic set in and I need to get rid of it right away. Usually I just do the stair stepper for an hour or two, but I feel too sick tonight.


Also, these past two weeks I have been moping around, trying to pretend like everything is better now. I broke up with my boyfriend. Partly because of him  and I think because I didn't want him watching. Really I think I need the change, but I can't just pretend like a year long relationship didn't exist. It hurts though; I feel like I'm not good enough for him. I'll never be what he wants. I have too many problems he doesn't know about. No one can know or everything will be over. I wanted to blame it on him not being a good boyfriend, but I think its my fault for never being able to decide what I want.


Tomorrow will be better and I will be better. I can't accept any more failures. I just realized that I have been ED for around 3 years now, jumping from one thing to another among cutting, depression, and drug abuse. I am so far in my body has forgotten how to go back. I never thought I would ever be in this place.

6 pounds down, 16 pounds to go

I don't feel like I have ever had this much determination to be thin. I have never lost weight this fast and this well. When I did it was a constant struggle between "hungry" and "don't eat you dumb fat ass. You have no self control". But now I have it down to a science to where my intake for the day is usually negative. Each day I work off atleast 500 calories and then strength train to work off the flab on my arms and stomach. Then I typically will eat mostly 10 calorie fat free, sugar free jello. But if I need something solid I will throw in an extra 100. Then another 100 if I am forced to eat dinner, which I try to avoid. Everything is carefully planned out. I can't measure so I have to divide as closely as I can. I divide the jello into eight parts of five calories each and each part takes about an hour to work on, because it's easy to take small bites and let it dissolve in my mouth. No matter what I  don't eat more than 500 so my total is zero or below.


I think what triggered me was having to get a checkup at the doctors. I was worried months ago I would diet too well once I fell into not eating again and they would point out my weight loss and then I would be done for good. So I tried not to think about calories and fat until I was deep in denial. By the time I stepped on the scale I was 110. I was so shocked at that number, it was so ugly and humiliating. When I first got on the scale the nurse started below a hundred and said "Well I doubt you'll be over 100." I never felt so disgusting when she had to move it up 10 pounds and said embarassed, "Thats why I try not to guess too much, you never know."


When I got home I took a blanket, went into my closet (its the only place to block sound-my house is the opposite of soundproff) and scream cried for half an hour. I am not vain, I didn't care about the 110 pounds making me look fat so much as that I was a failure and I lost control. I hate being fat, but I hate letting my self get out of control even more. I was so scared I wouldn't stop at 110 and I would just keep ballooning until I was fat. I didn't want to go back to being 13. 4 years ago I was chubby and ugly and there wasn't a day I could look at myself or the other people who laughed at me. I imagined being 150 or heigher. I had read how when people go back and forth between starving they could gain 80 pounds even. I could never let that happen.


Right away I put a plan into action after waking up the next day to see 111. I was so frantic and scared that it would never stop. That was a little over a week ago and now I am down about six pounds. I have to keep going so that this doesn't happen again. I need to be around 89 pounds for a cushion effect so that I never get back into three digits ever again. Im still scared and I don't want to lose conrol. Im fat fat fat fat. And I want it to stop.

The Urge to Binge/Purge

I apologize for dissapearing the past couple of days. Midterms are kicking  the crap out of me. When I starve I can't  focus.but when I need to focus I need to eat. but I don't want to eat. I can't.I just can't. Not willingly atleast, but my brain is the sneakiest fucking bastard and keeps programming me to zombie walk into the kitchen and shove some food down my throat. Usually I'll snap out of it before, but when I don't it means working my ass off or in the rare case purging. I am not a fan really of purging, its kinda pointless when you can just not eat food in the first place. Most of the time puking only gets about 1/3 to 1/2 of the stuff out if your really committed to it so if someone thinks its okay to just go on a 3000 calorie binge they are keeping atleast 1500 of it, which is a hell of a lot. And trying to puke doesn't always work. Sometimes the body doesn't care if you just ate a million calories, its tired of the abuse so it tries everything it can to keep you from purging which leaves you there feeling like a fat loser. Its happened to me before and not even salt water or soap worked. So I think purging is way better as an occasional emergency fix for a slip up. It's hard to not want to binge when it feels like it could all just be thrown up, but most bulimics don't lose weight or gain weight (accordng to basic fact), defeating the purpose. It's much easier to not feel the binge in the first place if I don't use the safety net of just resolving to throw it back up.

I definitely can sympathize though with how taunting it is to see that cheese bagel on the counter or the strawberry hostess cakes that look damn good even though I usually don't care for them. When the body starves all taste preference goes down the door. I've eaten some really wierd things on random binges like marshmallows with fritos, cheez its and nutella, m&ms and pizza, exc. Most of it is salty food, I can't get enough I could probably just pour a saltshaker down my throat and be satisfied. Just reading this over makes me want to binge, but I usually have some pretty good preventions.

First I tell myself over and over why the fuck would I want to eat nasty fat, that I am weak and have no control, that I do nothing right. If that fails then I go to either snapping myself with a band or counting to 100 while in pushup position. If I'm still determined to be a fat pig then I pinch my fat or better yet stand in the mirror naked. That usually kills it right there. Punching yourself in the stomach usually doesn't work well, because the abdominal muscles instinctively tighten up. Also maalox will completely coat the stomach and quench hunger pains and from what I found there doesn't appear to be any calories, which is too good to be true (it works that well.)

Paige and I made a bet to see who could lose ten pounds the fastest. We're pretty evenly matched. She's much heavier than me by about 40 pounds, but I typically have more willpower. Yeah I know its not a game and its not amusing blah blah blah, but I'm twisted get it, so this will motivate me even more to lose the weight since I am so competitive.

This week I am really going to get things done. I am 2 and 1/2 pounds down from 5 days ago but that is not good enough at all. Atleast its a start though. Night <3
Much Love.
ItLiesHeavy.

-BTW I will post some thinspo tomorrow, because its all on my other comp

Take Me Somewere I've Never Been Before

Workouts for this week:

The Importance of Strength Training:

Muscles are the metabolic engine for your body. The more muscle you have, the higher your Basal Metabolic Rate (BMR) - which is a measure of how many calories your body burns at rest. In other words, the more active and trained those muscles are, the more fat you burn, 24 hours a day!

Your BMR goes up once you are finish a workout. This effect is highest after a strength work-out, even higher than cardio. Remember this: you will burn more calories all day after a strength workout in the morning.

http://www.modelresource.ca/Mediafeatures/Cleary/model_physique_6.shtml

So in other words muscles are important and theres alot of ways to get lean muscle (you don't have to bulk up). More importantly, having more muscle helps burn more during cardio and lets you work out longer without killing yourself.

Workout:
1.)Leg Squats: 3 sets of 12
2.) Bicycle Crunches: 4 sets of 15 reps (on each side)
3.) Tricep Dips: 3 sets of 15
4.)  Elevated Pushups: 2 sets of 15
5.) Leg Raises: 5 sets of 10
6.) Walking Lunges: 50 lunges
THEN
20 minutes of some form of cardio
This should probably take around half an hour.

Ugh, today was my first day back in school and I didn't expect how much it would suck for all of my procrastination and missed assignments to catch up with me. I wanted to start out fresh, but now I just feel overwhelmed and that triggers a need to binge. I made a bag of popcorn and started chomping on cheezits before I even realized it, but somehow I got the strength to put the food down before I went over 150 calories. It's a good sign I guess because I never could have done it before, I would've just started crying and shoved it down my throat. I feel so bloated and disgusting right now and I have been chugging bottles of water to try and flush it out. Im going to actually workout, take a shower, and then crash and finally get some sleep. Night and stay strong <3

And now, everybody's messing it up

No, we don't talk about how

Everything is falling apart

Looks like we didn't get far in a getaway car

You can't break free no matter where you are

 It feels like home is just a time and a place

 You find yourself in an empty space

New Years Rez

Okay here is my New Years Rezzies:
1.)Lose weight! Like alot of weight....maybe 13-15 for now
2.) STOP PROCRASTINATING
3.) Party it up more
4.) Get off of my fat ass and work out more
5.) Reach my one year with the bf (and hopefully more <3)
6.) Get 5s on my AP Exams
7.) Lotsa community service
8.) Just do the things I never have had the guts to
9.) Not be so stressed out
10.) Figure out what I want
There's probably more but I'll make them as I go. I want to actually acheive these so I don't want them to be too unmaneagable.

I wish I could feel thin. Know matter how much I lose I am always a lard ass. Even if I can somehow see maybe that I might be thin for a second after staring in the mirror for hours I lose it. I can't even picture in my head how I look because I have no self perception. My face and body are malformed and bloated. Maybe I am pretty and skinny, but why can't I feel it? People think this is fun, its not. I sit there for hours after I eat and panic so hard I can barely breathe as I try to push it out of my head. 
Better luck tomorrow and less food I hope.
GOAL: 300 calories

Lets Do This Year Right

Wow.Wow.Wow. I have not been on here in a loooonnngg ass time. I think the reason for it was me just trying to figure out where I was going. Its hard to see all of those scary warnings and wander onto all of those websites that tell you how you will end up and what you will look like. And it sucks to spend so much time not wanting any of that but also not seeing any other option. I just can't. A bagel or a bowl of cereal is not a rational meal for me. I tried to assure myself that they were full of calcium and I needed some carbs to function but I still cried everytime after I ate it. I would take bite after bite, each one making me feel worse and after I would fall into shock at what I just did. It has been so frustrating because I am not happy no matter what way I am, but when I eat I feel even worse. I have tried the therapy route and I just don't have those kind of parents that can understand. Obviously a good part of me is screaming and raging at myself not to eat food or I wouldn't be here, but I still don't know where I am right now. What I know is that I can't shut it off, but I am still not sure whether or not I even would want to.

New Years was actually really nice. It was the first year I spent it with a boyfriend and I was just able to relax and not have to care whether I was a loser or not (Yeah I'm insecure lol..surprise, surprise). We didn't even go to any parties, which I used to mandate as a must for any decent new years eve. Thats kinda fine with me, because I would just drink anyway and I have a bad habit of not realizing how drunk I am getting. The day before I hung out with Jackie and we chased vodka with mango orange juice but we ended up super (I mean super-because I take my prescription oxy along with it) smashed and then puked all the next day. Anyway, we went to the movies and then went back to his house for a bit, then mine to see the ball drop. Yeah it seems boring maybe, but I don't ever remember him actually being the slightest bit romantic before. He lit candles and we drank some red wine (88 cal) together and he even offered to make me a nice dinner (which I politely declined). Holy Shit, I wonder if he's delirious from hunger or something because I swear he has been eating even less than me lately, which makes me feel extra shitty. Yeah it's junkfood when he does eat, because he is in college and too lazy to feed himself (his rents pay the bills, all he has to do is buy food), but he just keeps getting skinnier and it is a ways away but I don't want to be heavier than my boyfriend. I don't think that any girl or women wants that. Atleast he never pressures me to eat, because he never really eats much when I am around. I'm happy for that atleast.

New Years resolutions are tradition but I have never done all of them. Ever. Not Even Close. This year my main goals are weight. responsibility, procrastination, and i have to figure out the rest. I am THE worst procrastinator. I procrastinate on not procrastinating about my New Years Resolutions, which is why I am making them for tomorrow  since I blew most of them today already. Basically when you put all of my goals together they spell DON'T BE A FAILURE. That is all I really want, but its probably impossible since for me that means just about perfection.

This. Year. Is. About. Change. Lets. Make. It. Happen. <3Stay Strong.

Here's some thinspo to forget how much we ate over the holidays and how much we gained. Soon enough we can look like them.