It Lies Heavy: Don't Let Them See You Cry.

"You are what you eat."

I can see my ribs now so I must be doing something right. I can count clearly about 5 or 6 of them now, but thats not enough. For one second I felt calm when I saw them in the mirror. The steady hum of anxiety that pounds my heart and tightens my chest broke for a momentary rest and it was euphoric, that's all I can say. But then I looked down and saw the fat on my stomach and the size of my ass and I lost it. I can honestly say I've never been able to purge on command without some effort, but it was easy. I don't even think I intended to, it just involuntarily happened. Holy shit though, I had half of a vegan taco for dinner (rent mandated) and that mother fucker hurt on the way up. I hate that because once you start it doesn't stop until your stomach is empty and all you can do is close your eyes and know it will be better when its done. Okay enough with gross crap.

I still don't know what to do about my ex. There's a guy now and I like him better I think. He has interests other than skating and tv and he knows how to hold a conversation. When he can tell something is wrong he actually gives a shit. But I'm not ready for anything right now.

So I'm down another pound today, which I'm sure is partly from having an empty stomach but as long as the numbers keep going down I don't really care how it gets done. And its been hard too because my mom has been determined to hover around the place, which obviously means I have to attempt to look like I am eating something. Fine, I would get it if she wanted to be the caring mother, but she just wants to hover to bitch at me. This isn't about revenge but someday she's going to figure out how much she messed me up and it will go something like this:
Mom: "Well I just don't see how your life is that bad that you need to feel that way."
Me: Absolutely nothing
Mom: "You just think too negatively. Maybe if you were a little more positive about things you wouldn't have so many problems."
Me (Finally flipping shit): "You know why I am this way. Because you were told by my goddam therapist that I have severe depression, anxiety disorder (no way was I also going to mention my ED) and when she told you I needed the medicine to feel better you took me out of there so fast and said the same exact thing. Then when you would see me sitting there and something was clearly wrong you would just tell me about what a miserable person I was and how I'm a loser. Thanks mom. I fucking love you too."

Haaa. Sorry for my swearing I am just so pissed off today. As far as restricting today was highly succesful, but everything has been setting me off. I am so raw even just sharp noises make me want to scream. I guess I know that comes with starving yourself,but I definitely feel like I'm at odds with the world today. Everyone, not just me seems ready to snap. I am trying too, but everytime I hear her shout about something stupid like towels or a crumb and call me useless I get closer to snapping. I am genrally a pretty passive person so the thoughts that ran throught my head today scared me a little. I think I am just tired of waiting for her to act like a mother and ask whats wrong. I probably would lie to her (I do regret that), but atleast I would know that she cared about me.

So in between writing this and doing a research paper I slacked off and came across a random website with weight statistics. Over 1.6 billion people in the world are overweight or obese. Thats about 25% of the all of the people on earth! The media sensationalizes the shocking thinness of anorexics, and while I agree anorexia should be prevented I don't believe that a news expose or a commercial is going to fix it. I saw those same ads and was told how bad it was. I cockily jousted that I would never be stupid enough to have an eating disorder, but here I am. Ironic huh. Actually it is true that those very ads trigger me. When I see them I understand I might die or look gross, but none of that matters. I am obsessed to get a look at the girl who is potraying the anorexic and to compare myself to her. Sorry can't help it, so suck it up. Anyway, I am just saying that I am tired of hearing about how selfish it is to not eat food when children in Africa are starving. The real reason they are starving is because a quarter of the world is eating it all (And by this I mean no disrespect. Obesity in my opinion also stems from an eating disorder. I am just pointing out the hippocracy)

Thanks my darlings for having to deal with my rants and shallow frustrations. Much Love and Stay Strong
<3ItLiesHeavy