6 pounds down, 16 pounds to go

I don't feel like I have ever had this much determination to be thin. I have never lost weight this fast and this well. When I did it was a constant struggle between "hungry" and "don't eat you dumb fat ass. You have no self control". But now I have it down to a science to where my intake for the day is usually negative. Each day I work off atleast 500 calories and then strength train to work off the flab on my arms and stomach. Then I typically will eat mostly 10 calorie fat free, sugar free jello. But if I need something solid I will throw in an extra 100. Then another 100 if I am forced to eat dinner, which I try to avoid. Everything is carefully planned out. I can't measure so I have to divide as closely as I can. I divide the jello into eight parts of five calories each and each part takes about an hour to work on, because it's easy to take small bites and let it dissolve in my mouth. No matter what I  don't eat more than 500 so my total is zero or below.


I think what triggered me was having to get a checkup at the doctors. I was worried months ago I would diet too well once I fell into not eating again and they would point out my weight loss and then I would be done for good. So I tried not to think about calories and fat until I was deep in denial. By the time I stepped on the scale I was 110. I was so shocked at that number, it was so ugly and humiliating. When I first got on the scale the nurse started below a hundred and said "Well I doubt you'll be over 100." I never felt so disgusting when she had to move it up 10 pounds and said embarassed, "Thats why I try not to guess too much, you never know."


When I got home I took a blanket, went into my closet (its the only place to block sound-my house is the opposite of soundproff) and scream cried for half an hour. I am not vain, I didn't care about the 110 pounds making me look fat so much as that I was a failure and I lost control. I hate being fat, but I hate letting my self get out of control even more. I was so scared I wouldn't stop at 110 and I would just keep ballooning until I was fat. I didn't want to go back to being 13. 4 years ago I was chubby and ugly and there wasn't a day I could look at myself or the other people who laughed at me. I imagined being 150 or heigher. I had read how when people go back and forth between starving they could gain 80 pounds even. I could never let that happen.


Right away I put a plan into action after waking up the next day to see 111. I was so frantic and scared that it would never stop. That was a little over a week ago and now I am down about six pounds. I have to keep going so that this doesn't happen again. I need to be around 89 pounds for a cushion effect so that I never get back into three digits ever again. Im still scared and I don't want to lose conrol. Im fat fat fat fat. And I want it to stop.