Lets Do This Year Right

Wow.Wow.Wow. I have not been on here in a loooonnngg ass time. I think the reason for it was me just trying to figure out where I was going. Its hard to see all of those scary warnings and wander onto all of those websites that tell you how you will end up and what you will look like. And it sucks to spend so much time not wanting any of that but also not seeing any other option. I just can't. A bagel or a bowl of cereal is not a rational meal for me. I tried to assure myself that they were full of calcium and I needed some carbs to function but I still cried everytime after I ate it. I would take bite after bite, each one making me feel worse and after I would fall into shock at what I just did. It has been so frustrating because I am not happy no matter what way I am, but when I eat I feel even worse. I have tried the therapy route and I just don't have those kind of parents that can understand. Obviously a good part of me is screaming and raging at myself not to eat food or I wouldn't be here, but I still don't know where I am right now. What I know is that I can't shut it off, but I am still not sure whether or not I even would want to.

New Years was actually really nice. It was the first year I spent it with a boyfriend and I was just able to relax and not have to care whether I was a loser or not (Yeah I'm insecure lol..surprise, surprise). We didn't even go to any parties, which I used to mandate as a must for any decent new years eve. Thats kinda fine with me, because I would just drink anyway and I have a bad habit of not realizing how drunk I am getting. The day before I hung out with Jackie and we chased vodka with mango orange juice but we ended up super (I mean super-because I take my prescription oxy along with it) smashed and then puked all the next day. Anyway, we went to the movies and then went back to his house for a bit, then mine to see the ball drop. Yeah it seems boring maybe, but I don't ever remember him actually being the slightest bit romantic before. He lit candles and we drank some red wine (88 cal) together and he even offered to make me a nice dinner (which I politely declined). Holy Shit, I wonder if he's delirious from hunger or something because I swear he has been eating even less than me lately, which makes me feel extra shitty. Yeah it's junkfood when he does eat, because he is in college and too lazy to feed himself (his rents pay the bills, all he has to do is buy food), but he just keeps getting skinnier and it is a ways away but I don't want to be heavier than my boyfriend. I don't think that any girl or women wants that. Atleast he never pressures me to eat, because he never really eats much when I am around. I'm happy for that atleast.

New Years resolutions are tradition but I have never done all of them. Ever. Not Even Close. This year my main goals are weight. responsibility, procrastination, and i have to figure out the rest. I am THE worst procrastinator. I procrastinate on not procrastinating about my New Years Resolutions, which is why I am making them for tomorrow  since I blew most of them today already. Basically when you put all of my goals together they spell DON'T BE A FAILURE. That is all I really want, but its probably impossible since for me that means just about perfection.

This. Year. Is. About. Change. Lets. Make. It. Happen. <3Stay Strong.

Here's some thinspo to forget how much we ate over the holidays and how much we gained. Soon enough we can look like them.