I apologize for dissapearing the past couple of days. Midterms are kicking the crap out of me. When I starve I can't focus.but when I need to focus I need to eat. but I don't want to eat. I can't.I just can't. Not willingly atleast, but my brain is the sneakiest fucking bastard and keeps programming me to zombie walk into the kitchen and shove some food down my throat. Usually I'll snap out of it before, but when I don't it means working my ass off or in the rare case purging. I am not a fan really of purging, its kinda pointless when you can just not eat food in the first place. Most of the time puking only gets about 1/3 to 1/2 of the stuff out if your really committed to it so if someone thinks its okay to just go on a 3000 calorie binge they are keeping atleast 1500 of it, which is a hell of a lot. And trying to puke doesn't always work. Sometimes the body doesn't care if you just ate a million calories, its tired of the abuse so it tries everything it can to keep you from purging which leaves you there feeling like a fat loser. Its happened to me before and not even salt water or soap worked. So I think purging is way better as an occasional emergency fix for a slip up. It's hard to not want to binge when it feels like it could all just be thrown up, but most bulimics don't lose weight or gain weight (accordng to basic fact), defeating the purpose. It's much easier to not feel the binge in the first place if I don't use the safety net of just resolving to throw it back up.
I definitely can sympathize though with how taunting it is to see that cheese bagel on the counter or the strawberry hostess cakes that look damn good even though I usually don't care for them. When the body starves all taste preference goes down the door. I've eaten some really wierd things on random binges like marshmallows with fritos, cheez its and nutella, m&ms and pizza, exc. Most of it is salty food, I can't get enough I could probably just pour a saltshaker down my throat and be satisfied. Just reading this over makes me want to binge, but I usually have some pretty good preventions.
First I tell myself over and over why the fuck would I want to eat nasty fat, that I am weak and have no control, that I do nothing right. If that fails then I go to either snapping myself with a band or counting to 100 while in pushup position. If I'm still determined to be a fat pig then I pinch my fat or better yet stand in the mirror naked. That usually kills it right there. Punching yourself in the stomach usually doesn't work well, because the abdominal muscles instinctively tighten up. Also maalox will completely coat the stomach and quench hunger pains and from what I found there doesn't appear to be any calories, which is too good to be true (it works that well.)
Paige and I made a bet to see who could lose ten pounds the fastest. We're pretty evenly matched. She's much heavier than me by about 40 pounds, but I typically have more willpower. Yeah I know its not a game and its not amusing blah blah blah, but I'm twisted get it, so this will motivate me even more to lose the weight since I am so competitive.
This week I am really going to get things done. I am 2 and 1/2 pounds down from 5 days ago but that is not good enough at all. Atleast its a start though. Night <3
Much Love.
ItLiesHeavy.
-BTW I will post some thinspo tomorrow, because its all on my other comp
I completely get where you're coming from! Maybe try having a bit of fruit to concentrate??? I know it has calories, but it has less than most foods.
ReplyDeleteAnd I've only been able to purge ONCE and hardly anything came up. It was truly disheartening.
Yeah I hate puking but its worse when you need to and can't. I already eat fruit lol but recently I discovered 10 calorie jello. I can divide it up throughout the whole day for only 40 calories.
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