Im Back. For Good.

I don't know why I left again so soon. I think it was the guilt. To me it's embarrassing for my family to know that I am weak when I have always been relied on to be strong. I want to be thin, more than anything. It has gotten to the point where I now have no choice to stop. Every time I logged on I was caught between what I wanted and what others would think. I have always been the kind of person that seeks the approval of others and desperately wants to feel loved. But things have changed....

I no longer give a shit. I can't care about anything else. All I think about is fat and calories and pounds. And I like it.


I may not have posted these past few months but I didn't give up completely. I took to throwing up, which to me was a waste of time. It gave me enough comfort when it hurt to put food in my stomach, but ultimately it gets you nowhere. It is a fact too that even if someone throws up right away after they eat food, they still retain around 50% of the calories they ate. Alot of this is because calories start to be digested as soon as they reach the stomach. The same goes for laxatives, even though I like them for a quick slim down effect. Laxatives only eliminate 10% of any calories eaten, since most of what is flushed out is water. So basically, the only real way to lose weight is to just not eat the food in the first place.


Today was not a good day for me food wise, due to the being with friends. What normal person doesn't eat popcorn at a movie theater? I think my total is around 800, which is nasty for me. Especially after spending the weekend in a hotel that had no refrigerator with my family, which meant fast food was required. I choose the best foods on the menu but I still had to be atleast 1100. This is exactly when I feel the panic set in and I need to get rid of it right away. Usually I just do the stair stepper for an hour or two, but I feel too sick tonight.


Also, these past two weeks I have been moping around, trying to pretend like everything is better now. I broke up with my boyfriend. Partly because of him  and I think because I didn't want him watching. Really I think I need the change, but I can't just pretend like a year long relationship didn't exist. It hurts though; I feel like I'm not good enough for him. I'll never be what he wants. I have too many problems he doesn't know about. No one can know or everything will be over. I wanted to blame it on him not being a good boyfriend, but I think its my fault for never being able to decide what I want.


Tomorrow will be better and I will be better. I can't accept any more failures. I just realized that I have been ED for around 3 years now, jumping from one thing to another among cutting, depression, and drug abuse. I am so far in my body has forgotten how to go back. I never thought I would ever be in this place.