I don't feel like I have ever had this much determination to be thin. I have never lost weight this fast and this well. When I did it was a constant struggle between "hungry" and "don't eat you dumb fat ass. You have no self control". But now I have it down to a science to where my intake for the day is usually negative. Each day I work off atleast 500 calories and then strength train to work off the flab on my arms and stomach. Then I typically will eat mostly 10 calorie fat free, sugar free jello. But if I need something solid I will throw in an extra 100. Then another 100 if I am forced to eat dinner, which I try to avoid. Everything is carefully planned out. I can't measure so I have to divide as closely as I can. I divide the jello into eight parts of five calories each and each part takes about an hour to work on, because it's easy to take small bites and let it dissolve in my mouth. No matter what I don't eat more than 500 so my total is zero or below.
I think what triggered me was having to get a checkup at the doctors. I was worried months ago I would diet too well once I fell into not eating again and they would point out my weight loss and then I would be done for good. So I tried not to think about calories and fat until I was deep in denial. By the time I stepped on the scale I was 110. I was so shocked at that number, it was so ugly and humiliating. When I first got on the scale the nurse started below a hundred and said "Well I doubt you'll be over 100." I never felt so disgusting when she had to move it up 10 pounds and said embarassed, "Thats why I try not to guess too much, you never know."
When I got home I took a blanket, went into my closet (its the only place to block sound-my house is the opposite of soundproff) and scream cried for half an hour. I am not vain, I didn't care about the 110 pounds making me look fat so much as that I was a failure and I lost control. I hate being fat, but I hate letting my self get out of control even more. I was so scared I wouldn't stop at 110 and I would just keep ballooning until I was fat. I didn't want to go back to being 13. 4 years ago I was chubby and ugly and there wasn't a day I could look at myself or the other people who laughed at me. I imagined being 150 or heigher. I had read how when people go back and forth between starving they could gain 80 pounds even. I could never let that happen.
Right away I put a plan into action after waking up the next day to see 111. I was so frantic and scared that it would never stop. That was a little over a week ago and now I am down about six pounds. I have to keep going so that this doesn't happen again. I need to be around 89 pounds for a cushion effect so that I never get back into three digits ever again. Im still scared and I don't want to lose conrol. Im fat fat fat fat. And I want it to stop.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Monday, January 10, 2011
The Urge to Binge/Purge
I apologize for dissapearing the past couple of days. Midterms are kicking the crap out of me. When I starve I can't focus.but when I need to focus I need to eat. but I don't want to eat. I can't.I just can't. Not willingly atleast, but my brain is the sneakiest fucking bastard and keeps programming me to zombie walk into the kitchen and shove some food down my throat. Usually I'll snap out of it before, but when I don't it means working my ass off or in the rare case purging. I am not a fan really of purging, its kinda pointless when you can just not eat food in the first place. Most of the time puking only gets about 1/3 to 1/2 of the stuff out if your really committed to it so if someone thinks its okay to just go on a 3000 calorie binge they are keeping atleast 1500 of it, which is a hell of a lot. And trying to puke doesn't always work. Sometimes the body doesn't care if you just ate a million calories, its tired of the abuse so it tries everything it can to keep you from purging which leaves you there feeling like a fat loser. Its happened to me before and not even salt water or soap worked. So I think purging is way better as an occasional emergency fix for a slip up. It's hard to not want to binge when it feels like it could all just be thrown up, but most bulimics don't lose weight or gain weight (accordng to basic fact), defeating the purpose. It's much easier to not feel the binge in the first place if I don't use the safety net of just resolving to throw it back up.
I definitely can sympathize though with how taunting it is to see that cheese bagel on the counter or the strawberry hostess cakes that look damn good even though I usually don't care for them. When the body starves all taste preference goes down the door. I've eaten some really wierd things on random binges like marshmallows with fritos, cheez its and nutella, m&ms and pizza, exc. Most of it is salty food, I can't get enough I could probably just pour a saltshaker down my throat and be satisfied. Just reading this over makes me want to binge, but I usually have some pretty good preventions.
First I tell myself over and over why the fuck would I want to eat nasty fat, that I am weak and have no control, that I do nothing right. If that fails then I go to either snapping myself with a band or counting to 100 while in pushup position. If I'm still determined to be a fat pig then I pinch my fat or better yet stand in the mirror naked. That usually kills it right there. Punching yourself in the stomach usually doesn't work well, because the abdominal muscles instinctively tighten up. Also maalox will completely coat the stomach and quench hunger pains and from what I found there doesn't appear to be any calories, which is too good to be true (it works that well.)
Paige and I made a bet to see who could lose ten pounds the fastest. We're pretty evenly matched. She's much heavier than me by about 40 pounds, but I typically have more willpower. Yeah I know its not a game and its not amusing blah blah blah, but I'm twisted get it, so this will motivate me even more to lose the weight since I am so competitive.
This week I am really going to get things done. I am 2 and 1/2 pounds down from 5 days ago but that is not good enough at all. Atleast its a start though. Night <3
Much Love.
ItLiesHeavy.
-BTW I will post some thinspo tomorrow, because its all on my other comp
I definitely can sympathize though with how taunting it is to see that cheese bagel on the counter or the strawberry hostess cakes that look damn good even though I usually don't care for them. When the body starves all taste preference goes down the door. I've eaten some really wierd things on random binges like marshmallows with fritos, cheez its and nutella, m&ms and pizza, exc. Most of it is salty food, I can't get enough I could probably just pour a saltshaker down my throat and be satisfied. Just reading this over makes me want to binge, but I usually have some pretty good preventions.
First I tell myself over and over why the fuck would I want to eat nasty fat, that I am weak and have no control, that I do nothing right. If that fails then I go to either snapping myself with a band or counting to 100 while in pushup position. If I'm still determined to be a fat pig then I pinch my fat or better yet stand in the mirror naked. That usually kills it right there. Punching yourself in the stomach usually doesn't work well, because the abdominal muscles instinctively tighten up. Also maalox will completely coat the stomach and quench hunger pains and from what I found there doesn't appear to be any calories, which is too good to be true (it works that well.)
Paige and I made a bet to see who could lose ten pounds the fastest. We're pretty evenly matched. She's much heavier than me by about 40 pounds, but I typically have more willpower. Yeah I know its not a game and its not amusing blah blah blah, but I'm twisted get it, so this will motivate me even more to lose the weight since I am so competitive.
This week I am really going to get things done. I am 2 and 1/2 pounds down from 5 days ago but that is not good enough at all. Atleast its a start though. Night <3
Much Love.
ItLiesHeavy.
-BTW I will post some thinspo tomorrow, because its all on my other comp
Monday, January 3, 2011
Take Me Somewere I've Never Been Before
Workouts for this week:
The Importance of Strength Training:
Muscles are the metabolic engine for your body. The more muscle you have, the higher your Basal Metabolic Rate (BMR) - which is a measure of how many calories your body burns at rest. In other words, the more active and trained those muscles are, the more fat you burn, 24 hours a day!
Your BMR goes up once you are finish a workout. This effect is highest after a strength work-out, even higher than cardio. Remember this: you will burn more calories all day after a strength workout in the morning.
http://www.modelresource.ca/Mediafeatures/Cleary/model_physique_6.shtml
So in other words muscles are important and theres alot of ways to get lean muscle (you don't have to bulk up). More importantly, having more muscle helps burn more during cardio and lets you work out longer without killing yourself.
Workout:
1.)Leg Squats: 3 sets of 12
2.) Bicycle Crunches: 4 sets of 15 reps (on each side)
3.) Tricep Dips: 3 sets of 15
4.) Elevated Pushups: 2 sets of 15
5.) Leg Raises: 5 sets of 10
6.) Walking Lunges: 50 lunges
THEN
20 minutes of some form of cardio
This should probably take around half an hour.
Ugh, today was my first day back in school and I didn't expect how much it would suck for all of my procrastination and missed assignments to catch up with me. I wanted to start out fresh, but now I just feel overwhelmed and that triggers a need to binge. I made a bag of popcorn and started chomping on cheezits before I even realized it, but somehow I got the strength to put the food down before I went over 150 calories. It's a good sign I guess because I never could have done it before, I would've just started crying and shoved it down my throat. I feel so bloated and disgusting right now and I have been chugging bottles of water to try and flush it out. Im going to actually workout, take a shower, and then crash and finally get some sleep. Night and stay strong <3
The Importance of Strength Training:
http://www.modelresource.ca/Mediafeatures/Cleary/model_physique_6.shtml
So in other words muscles are important and theres alot of ways to get lean muscle (you don't have to bulk up). More importantly, having more muscle helps burn more during cardio and lets you work out longer without killing yourself.
Workout:
1.)Leg Squats: 3 sets of 12
2.) Bicycle Crunches: 4 sets of 15 reps (on each side)
3.) Tricep Dips: 3 sets of 15
4.) Elevated Pushups: 2 sets of 15
5.) Leg Raises: 5 sets of 10
6.) Walking Lunges: 50 lunges
THEN
20 minutes of some form of cardio
This should probably take around half an hour.
Ugh, today was my first day back in school and I didn't expect how much it would suck for all of my procrastination and missed assignments to catch up with me. I wanted to start out fresh, but now I just feel overwhelmed and that triggers a need to binge. I made a bag of popcorn and started chomping on cheezits before I even realized it, but somehow I got the strength to put the food down before I went over 150 calories. It's a good sign I guess because I never could have done it before, I would've just started crying and shoved it down my throat. I feel so bloated and disgusting right now and I have been chugging bottles of water to try and flush it out. Im going to actually workout, take a shower, and then crash and finally get some sleep. Night and stay strong <3
It feels like home is just a time and a place
You find yourself in an empty space
Sunday, January 2, 2011
New Years Rez
Okay here is my New Years Rezzies:
1.)Lose weight! Like alot of weight....maybe 13-15 for now
2.) STOP PROCRASTINATING
3.) Party it up more
4.) Get off of my fat ass and work out more
5.) Reach my one year with the bf (and hopefully more <3)
6.) Get 5s on my AP Exams
7.) Lotsa community service
8.) Just do the things I never have had the guts to
9.) Not be so stressed out
10.) Figure out what I want
There's probably more but I'll make them as I go. I want to actually acheive these so I don't want them to be too unmaneagable.
I wish I could feel thin. Know matter how much I lose I am always a lard ass. Even if I can somehow see maybe that I might be thin for a second after staring in the mirror for hours I lose it. I can't even picture in my head how I look because I have no self perception. My face and body are malformed and bloated. Maybe I am pretty and skinny, but why can't I feel it? People think this is fun, its not. I sit there for hours after I eat and panic so hard I can barely breathe as I try to push it out of my head.
Better luck tomorrow and less food I hope.
GOAL: 300 calories
1.)Lose weight! Like alot of weight....maybe 13-15 for now
2.) STOP PROCRASTINATING
3.) Party it up more
4.) Get off of my fat ass and work out more
5.) Reach my one year with the bf (and hopefully more <3)
6.) Get 5s on my AP Exams
7.) Lotsa community service
8.) Just do the things I never have had the guts to
9.) Not be so stressed out
10.) Figure out what I want
There's probably more but I'll make them as I go. I want to actually acheive these so I don't want them to be too unmaneagable.
Better luck tomorrow and less food I hope.
GOAL: 300 calories
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Lets Do This Year Right
Wow.Wow.Wow. I have not been on here in a loooonnngg ass time. I think the reason for it was me just trying to figure out where I was going. Its hard to see all of those scary warnings and wander onto all of those websites that tell you how you will end up and what you will look like. And it sucks to spend so much time not wanting any of that but also not seeing any other option. I just can't. A bagel or a bowl of cereal is not a rational meal for me. I tried to assure myself that they were full of calcium and I needed some carbs to function but I still cried everytime after I ate it. I would take bite after bite, each one making me feel worse and after I would fall into shock at what I just did. It has been so frustrating because I am not happy no matter what way I am, but when I eat I feel even worse. I have tried the therapy route and I just don't have those kind of parents that can understand. Obviously a good part of me is screaming and raging at myself not to eat food or I wouldn't be here, but I still don't know where I am right now. What I know is that I can't shut it off, but I am still not sure whether or not I even would want to.
New Years was actually really nice. It was the first year I spent it with a boyfriend and I was just able to relax and not have to care whether I was a loser or not (Yeah I'm insecure lol..surprise, surprise). We didn't even go to any parties, which I used to mandate as a must for any decent new years eve. Thats kinda fine with me, because I would just drink anyway and I have a bad habit of not realizing how drunk I am getting. The day before I hung out with Jackie and we chased vodka with mango orange juice but we ended up super (I mean super-because I take my prescription oxy along with it) smashed and then puked all the next day. Anyway, we went to the movies and then went back to his house for a bit, then mine to see the ball drop. Yeah it seems boring maybe, but I don't ever remember him actually being the slightest bit romantic before. He lit candles and we drank some red wine (88 cal) together and he even offered to make me a nice dinner (which I politely declined). Holy Shit, I wonder if he's delirious from hunger or something because I swear he has been eating even less than me lately, which makes me feel extra shitty. Yeah it's junkfood when he does eat, because he is in college and too lazy to feed himself (his rents pay the bills, all he has to do is buy food), but he just keeps getting skinnier and it is a ways away but I don't want to be heavier than my boyfriend. I don't think that any girl or women wants that. Atleast he never pressures me to eat, because he never really eats much when I am around. I'm happy for that atleast.
New Years resolutions are tradition but I have never done all of them. Ever. Not Even Close. This year my main goals are weight. responsibility, procrastination, and i have to figure out the rest. I am THE worst procrastinator. I procrastinate on not procrastinating about my New Years Resolutions, which is why I am making them for tomorrow since I blew most of them today already. Basically when you put all of my goals together they spell DON'T BE A FAILURE. That is all I really want, but its probably impossible since for me that means just about perfection.
This. Year. Is. About. Change. Lets. Make. It. Happen. <3Stay Strong.
Here's some thinspo to forget how much we ate over the holidays and how much we gained. Soon enough we can look like them.
New Years was actually really nice. It was the first year I spent it with a boyfriend and I was just able to relax and not have to care whether I was a loser or not (Yeah I'm insecure lol..surprise, surprise). We didn't even go to any parties, which I used to mandate as a must for any decent new years eve. Thats kinda fine with me, because I would just drink anyway and I have a bad habit of not realizing how drunk I am getting. The day before I hung out with Jackie and we chased vodka with mango orange juice but we ended up super (I mean super-because I take my prescription oxy along with it) smashed and then puked all the next day. Anyway, we went to the movies and then went back to his house for a bit, then mine to see the ball drop. Yeah it seems boring maybe, but I don't ever remember him actually being the slightest bit romantic before. He lit candles and we drank some red wine (88 cal) together and he even offered to make me a nice dinner (which I politely declined). Holy Shit, I wonder if he's delirious from hunger or something because I swear he has been eating even less than me lately, which makes me feel extra shitty. Yeah it's junkfood when he does eat, because he is in college and too lazy to feed himself (his rents pay the bills, all he has to do is buy food), but he just keeps getting skinnier and it is a ways away but I don't want to be heavier than my boyfriend. I don't think that any girl or women wants that. Atleast he never pressures me to eat, because he never really eats much when I am around. I'm happy for that atleast.
New Years resolutions are tradition but I have never done all of them. Ever. Not Even Close. This year my main goals are weight. responsibility, procrastination, and i have to figure out the rest. I am THE worst procrastinator. I procrastinate on not procrastinating about my New Years Resolutions, which is why I am making them for tomorrow since I blew most of them today already. Basically when you put all of my goals together they spell DON'T BE A FAILURE. That is all I really want, but its probably impossible since for me that means just about perfection.
This. Year. Is. About. Change. Lets. Make. It. Happen. <3Stay Strong.
Here's some thinspo to forget how much we ate over the holidays and how much we gained. Soon enough we can look like them.
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