Dinosaur Chicken Nuggets

 "One day I will be thin enough. Just the bones, no disfiguring flesh. Just the pure clear shape of me, bones. That is what we all are, what we're made up of and everything else is just storage, deposit, waste. Strip it away, use it up." 


      Today was not my best day calorie wise, but for once it isn't bothering me. Today I went on a Youth Forum trip to volunteer at a children's holiday party. Basically they take a bunch of kids who come from families below the poverty line and bring them to the Marriot and we dress up as elves and do fun activities with them. Last year I was kind of a bum and just handed out candy canes and then wandered around, but this year I got to lead a group of kids. At first I was hesistant, because I always feel like I don't mix well with children, but it was actually so much fun. The little kids were adorable, crazy, but adorable. Maybe it was just because I was in a good mood today.
        So heres the problem. I had chicken nuggets....gasp.....and 4 french fries. It wasn't alot of food but I'm sure it added up, along with all of the candy I had with the kids. At this point it's not necessarily the calories themselves that are setting me off, but the anxiety about them. I feel so bad. Please don't tell me I'm stupid and to just eat it. I know, I keep trying to tell myself that, but then my head shouts back even louder that I'm a fat pig. At least I kept the food down. How pathetic it would have been if I had left the kids with my group partner Amanda just to go and throw up dinosaur chicken nuggets in the bathroom.
       While I was there I met this guy. Don't get excited, he's gay. It is so true when they say that all of the attractive guys are taken or gay. He was so funny, I've never met a guy as interesting as him. I guess he met another cute gay guy there and they had a little makeout session in the bathroom. Im honestly jealous, and not about the bathroom quickie. Nope. I just want a guy too. A few months ago I was looking for fun and absolutely no strings whatsoever. But now I want more than anything to have a stable relationship and a guy who loves me. I want someone to hold me and tell me I'm beautiful. I want a guy who will always be there for me (even if he knew about my ed). I want I want I want I want. To bad that won't make it happen any faster.
        My mom is on the rampage. I mean the fuuuuccking rampage and I can't wait until I can get out of here and go off to college. She makes this house suffocating and she makes me feel like shit. She can't understand that she no longer has anyhting nice or encouraging to say. Everything is a complaint or a swear. She is part of the reason I hate myself so much. Parents are supposed to support you and validate you, but my mom just tells my how much of a waste of time I am. Don't get me wrong, it could be way worse, but I still don't deserve what I've got. I feel like I've already set a standard for complaining now so I'm going to keep going and whine that my stomach hurts wicked bad. It's not used to eating shitty food like chicken nuggets and french fries. Fuck.
I swear too much.
ItLiesHeavy<3


 

Numbers.

"Do not give up what you most want for what you want at the moment"


My metabolism is so fucked up. I am so pissed.
It's my fault really, from years of binging and purging like a pig, but I am not sure how I am going to fix this. For two weeks I have eaten around 400 calories a day and burned that all off, yet I've lost probably close to two pounds. Are you fucking kidding me? I know it's because my body is in starvation mode, but I've never experience this before and I'm scared, so scared it's going to mess everything up. I'm hoping the lack of weight loss is from gaining alot of muscle, because I have been working out like a freak. Whenever I used to restrict I didn't usually exercise excessively since I hated it so much. I mean, I hated the calories more but if I just didn't eat I figured I would still lose weight. And I did. So I am praying to whatever universal force is out there to please make it just be muscle gain so all that extra muscle can burn off extra fat.
While I was so panicked about my metabolism I found a lot of great ways to boost it.
1.) Exercise: The key is to do 30 minutes or more of medium-high intensity cardio at a time to boost the heart rate and this is supposed to dramatically increase your metabolism. However, you have to push yourself with the workout to acheive the results. Also one pound of muscle burns 6 calories a day just to sustain itself, while fat only burns two. Then you need to mix it up with strength training. I always ignored this part, but studies have found that cardio is only effective to a certain degree and that while it can burn calories fast, strength training works better for boosting your metabolism in the long run by creating muscle.
2.)Water: Drinking lots of water apparently helps your kidneys filter better along with everything else. A German study found that drinking 17 ounces of water boosts the metabolism by 30% for half an hour. Drinking cold water burns even more, and can create an extra burn of almost 50  calories a day.
3.) Eat More Often: I cringed when I read this, but it does make sense. You should eat every 3 hours so that your metabolism will keep woring throughout the day. After 5 hours or more it starts to shut down as it realizes you ahve gone too long without food. I try to eat 50 calorie snacks at a time of fruits and veggies.
4.)Protein: Eating protein can take 25% more effort to burn than fat, which fills you up longer and gets your metabolism working.
5.)Coffee: It has been shown to reasonably increase the metabolism for a short period after it is drinken. (-It revs up your nervous system-)
6.)Green Tea: I've seen info that this both does and doesn't work, but webmd says that drinking  four cups can increase your metabolism by 17% for several hours. Even if it doesn't work as well as they say, green tea has too many anti-oxidants to pass up and it will also clean out your body and aid with weight loss through appetite control
7.) Spicy Foods: The capsaicin in spicy foods is supposed to increase your metabolism. And while there is some debate on just how much, it is agreed upon that it does help control appetite.
8.)Fiber: Fiber takes alot of energy to process, making it one of the best things you can eat
9.)EAT BREAKFAST: I don't blame anyne for not wanting to rack up calories so early on but it is proven that skipping breakfast dramatically slows your metabolism. Breakfast should be the biggest meal of the day and dinner the lightest.
10.)Sleep: Eight hours of it is one of the most important things for boosting your metabolism (If you don't belive me go look it up)
There is definitely a lot more of these tips, but honestly started to get tired of trying to write them all so I gave the most important. My plan is to incorporate all of these in order to maximize my weight loss. Obviously the best thing to do would be to eat 1200 calories again, but at this point that means weight gain for awhile and that I'll have to wait until who knows when for it to fix itself sooo yeah, thats just not an option. Not to mention that I can barely stomach 800 calories if I try really hard.
If anyone reads this and has been through a similar situation and can give advice please leave a comment, I am desperate as much as I hate to admit it.
Stay Strong <3
ItLiesHeavy
We can beat genetics, adopting new aesthetics for beautiful bodies,

figures ever-so-slender, taking control, oh,

what a nice, nice thing.

Besides, my problems hide in numbers that leave when i gag and heave

and heaving's kind of hard with your hands tied round your waist.

point out the obvious, tell me just how dangerous

then bundle every fight in an "isn't right" and leave it alone.

Well, Hello.

I'm more committed than ever. I always say this, but I think I've finally overcome my horrible laziness. For awhile I've debated whether I am ready to come back to this; I know I am. Early in the year I was being watched. Their eyes only went to my plate to discern how much I'd eaten. It is easy to say I wasn't safe. Atleast I'm the same weight now as before, so I've maintained. I joined sparkpeople.com because they have a super convenient tracker for food and exercise. Im happy to say that ive already lost a couple pounds in just the last few days, although I have to admit I've been abusing it. You're supposed to stick to their minimum calorie limit of 1200 but I usually can't even break 800.

Is it pathetic to say that I miss having a boyfriend? Because I do. I've had some hook ups recently, all of which I feel somewhat indifferent about. I feel like I need to fill something that's missing. Lmfao, I promise I have not turned into a man-eater; I actually crave a respectful and stable relationship. There was this guy Alex, but the issue is our age difference. At this point in my life it does matter. I don't want a guy whose ready to be buying a house when I'm still in highschool. What's amazing though is that he's one of the first guys I have not felt self conscious around, which illustrates my improvement. Usually I'm terrified of letting a guy see me naked (although, and I say this in the best way, it hasn't exactly stopped me). Right now all my friends have guys and I'm not feeling desperate so much as just missing what it feels like to have someone to love.

My new goal now is to reach 93 by the new year. Its only half of my total goal, but my biggest problem is setting my goals to impossible standards. My weight loss is not what I want it to
be...ugh...but I know I need to remember that I've been putting on alot of muscle.

Tomorrow I'm going to visit New Britain for a youth forum meeting and I hope to god that I can avoid the pizza. I have the opportunity to fast all day since I won't be home for dinner so I need serious will power not to fuck it up. 4 pounds is my weight loss goal for this week.
Keep busy and stay strong
Much Love,
ItLIESHeavy <3

WTF

Today was a major fail. I don't want to talk about it. It isn't good enough, I could have gained. I probably did. Oh god I cant step on the scale tomorrow, I can't gain. Im guessing maybe over 1000 today. I just want to die. My stomach hurts so bad and I hate food. I hate it hate it hate it. I hate myself for this. I am so weak for giving in. I should've said no to the popcorn and to the pasta before that. It's all mystery calories and I dont even know my total. I'm sorry.

Zombie

"Im not there yet, but I'm closer than I was yesterday."



I am tired. So, so tired that this is going to take me forever. I still have not gotten anything done, which includes all of the assignments that are overdue. I just want to sleep. Like I said I have no focus anymore. I am getting thinner now and it is easier the farther I go. Once I start to feel bone I will do anything to keep from going back. But its getting to me, I can tell. I need to hibernate for several days and forget about the world. I dream of the lulling pull of sleep and I keep thinking to how I got so far behind.

Today my calorie intake was around 600, which is not so great for me. Atleast I am losing the weight though. I didn't eat anything except for a bit of salad at lunch ( so people would stop staring at me) and pasta for dinner, which came out to alot because it was creamy penne a la vodka which probably had my whole days worth of saturated fat packed into it. Ugh

No wonder why I am zoned out. It is probably a survival mechanism to block out the constant fighting. Overbearing/Bitchy mother + Angry Father + Just expelled and just as angry brother= a shitload of noise. I wish there was somewhere quiet to think. I need somewhere where I can just be and stop thinking. The more I think, the more things come back that I don't want to think about. These are the things that have gotten me to this point and turned me over into someone I would not recognize.

The pasta in my stomach hurts. That's what happens when you stop eating, and cut out fats. When you put them back into your body, it doesn't know what to do with it. I hate the way it feels but it reminds me that I messed up. I should have found some way to get a salad.

I have so much going on right now and for some reason I can't write about it. I am tired of talking about me and others and things. I just want to shut down for awhile. I know this post is depressing, but I guess this side of me is more of the truth than anything else.

Stay Strong and if you need support I am here.
<3ItLiesHeavy

Don't Let Them See You Cry.

"You are what you eat."

I can see my ribs now so I must be doing something right. I can count clearly about 5 or 6 of them now, but thats not enough. For one second I felt calm when I saw them in the mirror. The steady hum of anxiety that pounds my heart and tightens my chest broke for a momentary rest and it was euphoric, that's all I can say. But then I looked down and saw the fat on my stomach and the size of my ass and I lost it. I can honestly say I've never been able to purge on command without some effort, but it was easy. I don't even think I intended to, it just involuntarily happened. Holy shit though, I had half of a vegan taco for dinner (rent mandated) and that mother fucker hurt on the way up. I hate that because once you start it doesn't stop until your stomach is empty and all you can do is close your eyes and know it will be better when its done. Okay enough with gross crap.

I still don't know what to do about my ex. There's a guy now and I like him better I think. He has interests other than skating and tv and he knows how to hold a conversation. When he can tell something is wrong he actually gives a shit. But I'm not ready for anything right now.

So I'm down another pound today, which I'm sure is partly from having an empty stomach but as long as the numbers keep going down I don't really care how it gets done. And its been hard too because my mom has been determined to hover around the place, which obviously means I have to attempt to look like I am eating something. Fine, I would get it if she wanted to be the caring mother, but she just wants to hover to bitch at me. This isn't about revenge but someday she's going to figure out how much she messed me up and it will go something like this:
Mom: "Well I just don't see how your life is that bad that you need to feel that way."
Me: Absolutely nothing
Mom: "You just think too negatively. Maybe if you were a little more positive about things you wouldn't have so many problems."
Me (Finally flipping shit): "You know why I am this way. Because you were told by my goddam therapist that I have severe depression, anxiety disorder (no way was I also going to mention my ED) and when she told you I needed the medicine to feel better you took me out of there so fast and said the same exact thing. Then when you would see me sitting there and something was clearly wrong you would just tell me about what a miserable person I was and how I'm a loser. Thanks mom. I fucking love you too."

Haaa. Sorry for my swearing I am just so pissed off today. As far as restricting today was highly succesful, but everything has been setting me off. I am so raw even just sharp noises make me want to scream. I guess I know that comes with starving yourself,but I definitely feel like I'm at odds with the world today. Everyone, not just me seems ready to snap. I am trying too, but everytime I hear her shout about something stupid like towels or a crumb and call me useless I get closer to snapping. I am genrally a pretty passive person so the thoughts that ran throught my head today scared me a little. I think I am just tired of waiting for her to act like a mother and ask whats wrong. I probably would lie to her (I do regret that), but atleast I would know that she cared about me.

So in between writing this and doing a research paper I slacked off and came across a random website with weight statistics. Over 1.6 billion people in the world are overweight or obese. Thats about 25% of the all of the people on earth! The media sensationalizes the shocking thinness of anorexics, and while I agree anorexia should be prevented I don't believe that a news expose or a commercial is going to fix it. I saw those same ads and was told how bad it was. I cockily jousted that I would never be stupid enough to have an eating disorder, but here I am. Ironic huh. Actually it is true that those very ads trigger me. When I see them I understand I might die or look gross, but none of that matters. I am obsessed to get a look at the girl who is potraying the anorexic and to compare myself to her. Sorry can't help it, so suck it up. Anyway, I am just saying that I am tired of hearing about how selfish it is to not eat food when children in Africa are starving. The real reason they are starving is because a quarter of the world is eating it all (And by this I mean no disrespect. Obesity in my opinion also stems from an eating disorder. I am just pointing out the hippocracy)

Thanks my darlings for having to deal with my rants and shallow frustrations. Much Love and Stay Strong
<3ItLiesHeavy

Don't let them see you cry.

When the dam breaks down,

 

And the city is covered in water

Cause I believe we fly



I trust that you see it too.

So breathe while you're alive

Im Back. For Good.

I don't know why I left again so soon. I think it was the guilt. To me it's embarrassing for my family to know that I am weak when I have always been relied on to be strong. I want to be thin, more than anything. It has gotten to the point where I now have no choice to stop. Every time I logged on I was caught between what I wanted and what others would think. I have always been the kind of person that seeks the approval of others and desperately wants to feel loved. But things have changed....

I no longer give a shit. I can't care about anything else. All I think about is fat and calories and pounds. And I like it.


I may not have posted these past few months but I didn't give up completely. I took to throwing up, which to me was a waste of time. It gave me enough comfort when it hurt to put food in my stomach, but ultimately it gets you nowhere. It is a fact too that even if someone throws up right away after they eat food, they still retain around 50% of the calories they ate. Alot of this is because calories start to be digested as soon as they reach the stomach. The same goes for laxatives, even though I like them for a quick slim down effect. Laxatives only eliminate 10% of any calories eaten, since most of what is flushed out is water. So basically, the only real way to lose weight is to just not eat the food in the first place.


Today was not a good day for me food wise, due to the being with friends. What normal person doesn't eat popcorn at a movie theater? I think my total is around 800, which is nasty for me. Especially after spending the weekend in a hotel that had no refrigerator with my family, which meant fast food was required. I choose the best foods on the menu but I still had to be atleast 1100. This is exactly when I feel the panic set in and I need to get rid of it right away. Usually I just do the stair stepper for an hour or two, but I feel too sick tonight.


Also, these past two weeks I have been moping around, trying to pretend like everything is better now. I broke up with my boyfriend. Partly because of him  and I think because I didn't want him watching. Really I think I need the change, but I can't just pretend like a year long relationship didn't exist. It hurts though; I feel like I'm not good enough for him. I'll never be what he wants. I have too many problems he doesn't know about. No one can know or everything will be over. I wanted to blame it on him not being a good boyfriend, but I think its my fault for never being able to decide what I want.


Tomorrow will be better and I will be better. I can't accept any more failures. I just realized that I have been ED for around 3 years now, jumping from one thing to another among cutting, depression, and drug abuse. I am so far in my body has forgotten how to go back. I never thought I would ever be in this place.