Dinosaur Chicken Nuggets

 "One day I will be thin enough. Just the bones, no disfiguring flesh. Just the pure clear shape of me, bones. That is what we all are, what we're made up of and everything else is just storage, deposit, waste. Strip it away, use it up." 


      Today was not my best day calorie wise, but for once it isn't bothering me. Today I went on a Youth Forum trip to volunteer at a children's holiday party. Basically they take a bunch of kids who come from families below the poverty line and bring them to the Marriot and we dress up as elves and do fun activities with them. Last year I was kind of a bum and just handed out candy canes and then wandered around, but this year I got to lead a group of kids. At first I was hesistant, because I always feel like I don't mix well with children, but it was actually so much fun. The little kids were adorable, crazy, but adorable. Maybe it was just because I was in a good mood today.
        So heres the problem. I had chicken nuggets....gasp.....and 4 french fries. It wasn't alot of food but I'm sure it added up, along with all of the candy I had with the kids. At this point it's not necessarily the calories themselves that are setting me off, but the anxiety about them. I feel so bad. Please don't tell me I'm stupid and to just eat it. I know, I keep trying to tell myself that, but then my head shouts back even louder that I'm a fat pig. At least I kept the food down. How pathetic it would have been if I had left the kids with my group partner Amanda just to go and throw up dinosaur chicken nuggets in the bathroom.
       While I was there I met this guy. Don't get excited, he's gay. It is so true when they say that all of the attractive guys are taken or gay. He was so funny, I've never met a guy as interesting as him. I guess he met another cute gay guy there and they had a little makeout session in the bathroom. Im honestly jealous, and not about the bathroom quickie. Nope. I just want a guy too. A few months ago I was looking for fun and absolutely no strings whatsoever. But now I want more than anything to have a stable relationship and a guy who loves me. I want someone to hold me and tell me I'm beautiful. I want a guy who will always be there for me (even if he knew about my ed). I want I want I want I want. To bad that won't make it happen any faster.
        My mom is on the rampage. I mean the fuuuuccking rampage and I can't wait until I can get out of here and go off to college. She makes this house suffocating and she makes me feel like shit. She can't understand that she no longer has anyhting nice or encouraging to say. Everything is a complaint or a swear. She is part of the reason I hate myself so much. Parents are supposed to support you and validate you, but my mom just tells my how much of a waste of time I am. Don't get me wrong, it could be way worse, but I still don't deserve what I've got. I feel like I've already set a standard for complaining now so I'm going to keep going and whine that my stomach hurts wicked bad. It's not used to eating shitty food like chicken nuggets and french fries. Fuck.
I swear too much.
ItLiesHeavy<3


 

Numbers.

"Do not give up what you most want for what you want at the moment"


My metabolism is so fucked up. I am so pissed.
It's my fault really, from years of binging and purging like a pig, but I am not sure how I am going to fix this. For two weeks I have eaten around 400 calories a day and burned that all off, yet I've lost probably close to two pounds. Are you fucking kidding me? I know it's because my body is in starvation mode, but I've never experience this before and I'm scared, so scared it's going to mess everything up. I'm hoping the lack of weight loss is from gaining alot of muscle, because I have been working out like a freak. Whenever I used to restrict I didn't usually exercise excessively since I hated it so much. I mean, I hated the calories more but if I just didn't eat I figured I would still lose weight. And I did. So I am praying to whatever universal force is out there to please make it just be muscle gain so all that extra muscle can burn off extra fat.
While I was so panicked about my metabolism I found a lot of great ways to boost it.
1.) Exercise: The key is to do 30 minutes or more of medium-high intensity cardio at a time to boost the heart rate and this is supposed to dramatically increase your metabolism. However, you have to push yourself with the workout to acheive the results. Also one pound of muscle burns 6 calories a day just to sustain itself, while fat only burns two. Then you need to mix it up with strength training. I always ignored this part, but studies have found that cardio is only effective to a certain degree and that while it can burn calories fast, strength training works better for boosting your metabolism in the long run by creating muscle.
2.)Water: Drinking lots of water apparently helps your kidneys filter better along with everything else. A German study found that drinking 17 ounces of water boosts the metabolism by 30% for half an hour. Drinking cold water burns even more, and can create an extra burn of almost 50  calories a day.
3.) Eat More Often: I cringed when I read this, but it does make sense. You should eat every 3 hours so that your metabolism will keep woring throughout the day. After 5 hours or more it starts to shut down as it realizes you ahve gone too long without food. I try to eat 50 calorie snacks at a time of fruits and veggies.
4.)Protein: Eating protein can take 25% more effort to burn than fat, which fills you up longer and gets your metabolism working.
5.)Coffee: It has been shown to reasonably increase the metabolism for a short period after it is drinken. (-It revs up your nervous system-)
6.)Green Tea: I've seen info that this both does and doesn't work, but webmd says that drinking  four cups can increase your metabolism by 17% for several hours. Even if it doesn't work as well as they say, green tea has too many anti-oxidants to pass up and it will also clean out your body and aid with weight loss through appetite control
7.) Spicy Foods: The capsaicin in spicy foods is supposed to increase your metabolism. And while there is some debate on just how much, it is agreed upon that it does help control appetite.
8.)Fiber: Fiber takes alot of energy to process, making it one of the best things you can eat
9.)EAT BREAKFAST: I don't blame anyne for not wanting to rack up calories so early on but it is proven that skipping breakfast dramatically slows your metabolism. Breakfast should be the biggest meal of the day and dinner the lightest.
10.)Sleep: Eight hours of it is one of the most important things for boosting your metabolism (If you don't belive me go look it up)
There is definitely a lot more of these tips, but honestly started to get tired of trying to write them all so I gave the most important. My plan is to incorporate all of these in order to maximize my weight loss. Obviously the best thing to do would be to eat 1200 calories again, but at this point that means weight gain for awhile and that I'll have to wait until who knows when for it to fix itself sooo yeah, thats just not an option. Not to mention that I can barely stomach 800 calories if I try really hard.
If anyone reads this and has been through a similar situation and can give advice please leave a comment, I am desperate as much as I hate to admit it.
Stay Strong <3
ItLiesHeavy
We can beat genetics, adopting new aesthetics for beautiful bodies,

figures ever-so-slender, taking control, oh,

what a nice, nice thing.

Besides, my problems hide in numbers that leave when i gag and heave

and heaving's kind of hard with your hands tied round your waist.

point out the obvious, tell me just how dangerous

then bundle every fight in an "isn't right" and leave it alone.

Well, Hello.

I'm more committed than ever. I always say this, but I think I've finally overcome my horrible laziness. For awhile I've debated whether I am ready to come back to this; I know I am. Early in the year I was being watched. Their eyes only went to my plate to discern how much I'd eaten. It is easy to say I wasn't safe. Atleast I'm the same weight now as before, so I've maintained. I joined sparkpeople.com because they have a super convenient tracker for food and exercise. Im happy to say that ive already lost a couple pounds in just the last few days, although I have to admit I've been abusing it. You're supposed to stick to their minimum calorie limit of 1200 but I usually can't even break 800.

Is it pathetic to say that I miss having a boyfriend? Because I do. I've had some hook ups recently, all of which I feel somewhat indifferent about. I feel like I need to fill something that's missing. Lmfao, I promise I have not turned into a man-eater; I actually crave a respectful and stable relationship. There was this guy Alex, but the issue is our age difference. At this point in my life it does matter. I don't want a guy whose ready to be buying a house when I'm still in highschool. What's amazing though is that he's one of the first guys I have not felt self conscious around, which illustrates my improvement. Usually I'm terrified of letting a guy see me naked (although, and I say this in the best way, it hasn't exactly stopped me). Right now all my friends have guys and I'm not feeling desperate so much as just missing what it feels like to have someone to love.

My new goal now is to reach 93 by the new year. Its only half of my total goal, but my biggest problem is setting my goals to impossible standards. My weight loss is not what I want it to
be...ugh...but I know I need to remember that I've been putting on alot of muscle.

Tomorrow I'm going to visit New Britain for a youth forum meeting and I hope to god that I can avoid the pizza. I have the opportunity to fast all day since I won't be home for dinner so I need serious will power not to fuck it up. 4 pounds is my weight loss goal for this week.
Keep busy and stay strong
Much Love,
ItLIESHeavy <3